Skyclad Christmas Party Under Threat

NRGCult | Sunday, 25 November 2018 |

Sultra Knight
Spellcraft Sister

Less than three weeks before the event's scheduled date, ticket sales for NRGCult's Skyclad Christmas Party have been frozen due to fears of cancellation. The uncertainty is down to a collapse in the security arrangements.

Security providers JellySecure were set to manage event security, until yesterday, when they issued the following statement...

We have now received the full schedule for the NRGCult Skyclad Christmas Party. Since it has become clear that this event will fall short of our minimum quota and/or standard of jelly wrestling, we have been forced to cancel our attendance. At this busy time of year, please would all Events Managers remember that our service is tailored to secure JELLY WRESTLING TOURNAMENTS, and refer to our terms for minimum jelly wrestling quotas.

We still want to go ahead with our party, to take place on on Friday 14th December in the Worcester area, but at this late stage we're seriously struggling to find security cover. If anyone is able to pull strings, please let us know.



Matthew Widehead
Cult Member

Wish I could, but I can't I'm afraid.

Rod Sandleman
Male Feminist

Nor me. Sorry.

Tantra Knight
Spellcraft Sister

Can people just NOT POST if they can't help.

Graham Splain
Male Feminist

Put simply, I think what the security company (JellySecure) is saying, is that they're specialists in jelly wrestling security (so they expect a certain amount of jelly wrestling in any event they attend). They can't attend your event (the Skyclad Party) because you haven't scheduled enough jelly wrestling (they have a minimum quota). If you were to reschedule (rearrange) the agenda (to include more jelly wrestling), you may meet with the minimum jelly wrestling quota, and qualify for their (the security company's) service. However, since the security company also has a minimum standard (of jelly wrestling tournament), it would also be necessary for NRGCult to consider the quality of the jelly wrestling (as well as the quantity).

Sultra Knight
Spellcraft Sister

Ahhhh, so THAT's what the statement meant.

Victoria Druggs
Spellcraft Sister

To clarify, we are looking for a new security outfit who can cover a skyclad witchcraft party - not advice on hosting an international jelly wrestling tournament.

G-Force Security
Guest

We have available resources for Worcester on the date you require, and we don't have specialist restrictions. How long is your event?

Sultra Knight
Spellcraft Sister

It'll last around six hours, from 7pm, but we work on a low budget. What are your rates? And are your people experienced in handcuffing male feminists to moving canal boats without falling in the canal?

Sultra Knight
Spellcraft Sister

In the dark, obviously.

G-Force Security
Guest

We could send one part-time Security Officer with basic investigative skills, cuffs and a hammer, at a rate of just £180 for the 6 hours. He would be able to swim.

Sultra Knight
Spellcraft Sister

There would probably be more than one male feminist.

G-Force Security
Guest

Our next step up is two full-time officers wearing wrap-around shades, but with no organisational skills and very little perceptible sense, plus one supervising officer in a hat, shouting instructions to the other two officers through a megaphone. The team could cover your event for £499, or for £599 with riot shields and a dog that attacks men with beards. D'you want me to email you our direct number?

Victoria Druggs
Spellcraft Sister

Yes please.