A Social Media Platform for Dead People

NRGCult | Sunday, 23 December 2018 |

"The site is an absolute joke. I followed Vlad The Impaler and it's just non-stop ads for chainsaws."


Sultra Knight
Image of Sultra Knight by Victoria Druggs

Post by Calum Fossil
Source: NRGCult

As we approach 2019, it seems there are more busying souls building new social media platforms than there are cyber-vagrants to join them. And the providers are spewing out every gimmick in the book. 'Privacy', 'anti-censorship', 'sex-positivity', political bias, specialist subjects (dude, just open a forum), 'get paid to post'... It's a pretty desperate picture, but with Google Plus closing and Facebook hopping from one PR disaster to the next, the perceived incentive is huge.

One entrepreneurial observer who has not, however, been tempted to challenge Facebook, is tech enthusiast Sultra Knight. She explains...

"No one is going to grab Facebook's market. Google tried, and got left with a userbase whose whole-of-product attention span is less than 5 seconds. My goldfish is a more engaged audience than the average Google+ user, and his bio is more interesting too.... And he's better looking...

An alternative social media experience must be built around a completely new base of interesting and influential publishers.

I wanted to give those publishers a voice, but it wasn't until February 2018 that I realised who they were... A little lightbulb tripped in my mind, and I thought... 'I know! What about people who have been dead for over a hundred years?!'

Everyone wants to know what famous dead people think about current affairs, but until I set up my revolutionary new darknet social project LongTimeDeadly, the long-time-dead had not had any means to express themselves in cyberspace. Just ten months on, LongTimeDeadly is already in profit."

Social media for the dead might sound a bit... well, lifeless. But Sultra didn't believe that LongTimeDeadly could be any worse than some of the current Facebook alternatives. Indeed, the platform's membership is already placing severe strain on the servers...

"We run the site very much on an opt-out basis. Basically, we sign up everyone who's been dead for over a century and wait for them to opt out. They can deactivate their account in the Settings menu at any time. But no one has yet done so."

So who is this site actually for, and how does it work?

"There are two categories of member. Dead, and Live. If you register your own account, you are considered to be alive, and are therefore placed into the Live category. Dead members have posting privileges, whereas Live members do not. Live members can, however, Follow as many Dead members as they wish to."

Social Media For Dead People
Screenshot taken from LongTimeDeadly

So only dead people are allowed to post? How many actually do?

"Up until now, as such, no one has actually posted anything. But this has proved to be a great opportunity for advertisers, whose promoted content can be enjoyed by the readership without the clutter of users' ramblings."

It certainly sounds like the perfect model for a social media project, and I'm sure we'll all be watching LongTimeDeadly grow with great interest.



Zero Trousers
Guest

The site is an absolute joke. I followed Vlad The Impaler and it's just non-stop ads for chainsaws.

Praxischa
Spellcraft Sister

So unfollow him.

Zero Trousers
Guest

I obviously don't want to unfollow him in case he posts. But seriously, too many ads.

Richard Lingham
Male Feminist

I have been very happy with the experience so far. I follow Jesus on LongTimeDeadly, and I really have no objection at all to the constant requests for me to give all my savings to multi-millionaire evangelists with blue teeth and their own personal church. The very beautiful Sultra has had a wonderfully enterprising idea, and I will do anything I can to support her.

Painful Truth
Guest

How noble of you. Will you EVER STOP trying to virtue-signal and approval-bait hot-ass totty?

Richard Lingham
Male Feminist

This really has nothing to do with me winning any kind of approval. I only ever think of other people. Never myself. And as a Male Feminist I strongly object to the term "hot-ass totty". Sultra Knight is a highly talented lady and should not be referred to in such a manner.

Painful Truth
Guest

I was actually referring to Jesus. You were the one who automatically equated the term with a woman. Not a very feminist thing to do, was it?

Richard Lingham
Male Feminist

And you think it is appropriate to refer to Lord Jesus Christ as "hot-ass totty"?

Painful Truth
Guest

I think it would be fairly low down on his list of things to be offended by. Give up Lingham. Everyone knows all your feminist bollocks is bullshit.

Richard Lingham
Male Feminist

So explain why the ladies of the Cult gave me a Male Feminist badge and hat to wear to events, functions and parties.

Painful Truth
Guest

So they'd know who to hit with a projector screen?...



Richard Lingham
Male Feminist

That happened ONCE, and was later fully acknowledged as a misunderstanding.

Superteeth
Cult Member

If I die will I have to wait a hundred years for my LongTimeDeadly account to be upgraded with posting privileges?

Sultra Knight
Spellcraft Sister

At least.

Superteeth
Cult Member

And what would be advertised on my feed?

Sultra Knight
Spellcraft Sister

Funeral plans.

Superteeth
Cult Member

Thanks.