How To Succeed As a Fake Psychic

NRGCult | Wednesday, 5 December 2018 |

Calum Fossil
Freelance Writer



Spellcraft Sister Shandi Beever sold out her first major live masterclass at NRG HQ last night.

Shandi Beever, a Dudley-based model-turned-occultist, is perhaps a little too honest for her own good. She openly admits that she's a fake psychic...

"I don't really have a clue what's going on in my own life, much less anyone else's. There's a scientific debate as to whether I'm 100% wrong 92% of the time, or 92% wrong 100% of the time, but to summarise, Babylon Toolbar is more psychic than I am."

And yet Shandi's clients always pay up. In fact, most clients return to her for future psychic readings. So how does a psychic satisfy customers without any psychic ability? Well, that's what Shandi set out to explain last night, in a major NRGCult presentation called: How To Succeed as a Fake Psychic. She began with a note on looking (not to mention smelling) the part...

"I believe my witch costume is important in setting the right ambience. It's a two-piece adhesive top, with black bikini pants, and a pre-diluted tube of 'hot' cinnamon oil which I wear more or less all over. A lot of people are incapable of sensory multitasking. They're unable to observe, smell and listen all at the same time, so if you fully engage their eyes and noses, their ears kind of switch off. They're nodding, but they don't actually know what you're saying."

Of course, not all humans are incapable of sensory multitasking. So what does Shandi do when a client has the ability to listen?

"If a client actually starts listening, I pop out of the room and stalk their Facebook page. Then I report everything I found on Facebook, in a spooky voice. And then I tell them they're incredibly talented, but that the rest of the world doesn't appreciate how amazing they are.

Everyone thinks they're amazing, but under-appreciated. Even people who, like, need an instruction leaflet in order to mash a potato. But we all think we're the only one who feels undervalued. So when you tell someone they're amazing but under-appreciated, they think you've seen deep into their soul. Some of them cry, but I don't know if that's because someone finally noticed their secret talent, or because they only have two Likes on Facebook."

One thing that really intrigues me with the above methodology is what happens when a psychic stalks the wrong Facebook page? Shandi had it covered...

"When you get it wrong, you infinitise. Infinitising is the get-out-of-jail card."

Infinitising is an old psychic hack, in which the rogue psychic gives their assertions an infinite amount of time to come true. The trick is to engineer a situation where the client literally dies waiting for the predicted circumstance to arise. The basic premise being that once they're dead, they can't ask for a refund. Shandi was brave enough to run a video of a reading in which she stalked the wrong Facebook page, and then went for broke on the name of an uncle with a curly moustache. The dialogue went as follows...

SHANDI: "I'm getting the name Greville Swape, and I feel that this person has incredible significance for you. I sense that this man may have an elaborately-styled moustache, like a mad inventor..."

GERALDINE (CLIENT): "No. I have never, in my entire life, met anyone called Greville Swape, or heard of anyone called Greville Swape, and I don't know anyone with a mad inventor's moustache, and I do not wish to. In fact, I would go as far as to say that Greville Swape, if he exists, is just about the least significant person in the world to me."

SHANDI: "What I said may not mean anything to you at the moment, but in the future, it most certainly will."

The tactic is pretty much infallible.

Aside from the spectacle of Richard Lingham throwing a seemingly inexhaustible supply of male feminists' underpants onto the stage, last night's masterclass was a highly watchable insight into occult technique, on a par with anything the hierarchy of NRGCult have presented.



Shandi Beever
Spellcraft Sister

Thanks so much to everyone for attending, and thanks to Calum for the wonderful write-up.

Richard Lingham
Male Feminist

Dearest, darling Shandi, as you know, I have always considered you incomparable as a presenter. But last night, your magnificence shone at a truly divine level. Since I appealed for underpants last week, Male Feminists have submitted almost a thousand pairs, and with the help of Simon Mittington I was able to disperse approximately four hundred pairs around the stage during your beautifully articulate talk.

I still have plenty of underpants left, will continue my quest to highlight your popularity through the gesture of underpant-throwing, and very much hope that last night I disseminated the pants in sufficient volume to get you promoted. Thank you to all Male Feminists who donated their underpants.

Shandi; I know that I will not see you again in person before 14th December, on which date it has been rumoured that I am going to be handcuffed to a moving canal boat. If I am handcuffed to a moving canal boat as rumoured, and news of such an incident should reach you, please do not be alarmed. I am resilient, but if I do not survive, I bequeath my stock of underpants to Simon Mittington, who I know will forge ahead with my underpant-throwing campaign.

Dane85
Male Feminist

Richard, did you make sure she got my pants? They were the ones with "Love you so much, kisses from Dane" on them.

Richard Lingham
Male Feminist

No, I've still got those. They'll be thrown first at Shandi's next talk.

Dane85
Male Feminist

No I want them back if you didn't throw them.

Richard Lingham
Male Feminist

Why?

Dane85
Male Feminist

Because you're going to be handcuffed to a moving boat and my pants will have to go through probate, which will take about six months. It will be quicker if I have them back and post them to her.

ShandiFan
Male Feminist

What about mine? They had the soul mate poem. I'll have them back and post them if you didn't throw them.

Richard Lingham
Male Feminist

I've left the pants to Mittingon IN MY WILL! He will AUTOMATICALLY get them should a canal-related tragedy occur. And I can't understand why, if you intended them to be thrown onto a stage, you now want to send them to Shandi in a parcel.

Dane85
Male Feminist

Look Lingham, I donated those pants so I could send a message of love to my favourite babe. If I don't have them back by Friday I'm reporting them as stolen.

Richard Lingham
Male Feminist

Send her a message of love? What did you think she was going to do - walk round the stage for an hour reading 400 pairs of underpants?

Dane85
Male Feminist

Yes. So I want them back.

Richard Lingham
Male Feminist

Sue me.

Superteeth
Cult Member

Mine just said 'Peanuts'. Have you still got them?

Richard Lingham
Male Feminist

No, I've thrown yours.