New Dracula Adaptation: The Draculist

NRGCult | Wednesday, 2 January 2019 |

Calum Fossil
Freelance Writer




If you weren't at the opening night of The Draculist yesterday evening, you missed what may have been the most important theatrical production ever launched by a wiccan cult with no acting experience. Written by Strangella, and starring Praxischa as Dracula and Victoria Druggs as The Draculist, the play is a dark thriller which brings Bram Stoker's famous novel right up to date.

THE PLOT


Count Dracula is attracting all the hot girls in the village and then sucking furtively on their necks. Van Helsing, meanwhile, has joined the manosphere to cry about the fact that Dracula is getting all the hot girls.

But just as it seems there's no one left to save the day, a feminist witch hatches a plan to pose as Dracula, and compete with the evil Count for the attention of hot girls. Becoming known as The Draculist, our heroine begins to draw the hot girls away from the real Dracula. Once she's attracted their interest, she gives them cake recipes.

The Draculist's cakes are unimaginably delicious, but they contain enough garlic to hospitalise Dracula in one breath.

Dracula spends most of the second half of the play in hospital reading Van Helsing's bleating posts on the manosphere. But when the hospital's female doctors and nurses discover The Draculist's cakes on Pinterest, the real excitement starts.

The play runs until 12th January and there are still some e-tickets left for those who haven't yet booked a seat.



Zero Trousers
Guest

A feminist ends up torturing Dracula via Pinterest, and half the male parts are played by women? Typical NRGCult. Victoria Druggs's Dracula looked like Freddie Mercury and Praxischa's Dracula looked like Shakin' Stevens.

Shakin' 'Xischa
Praxischa

Thanks.

Zero Trousers
Guest

It was not a compliment. I walked out in protest and I will be starting a hashtag about this on Twitter just as soon as I have thought one up.

Katie Shox
Guest

Praxischa, your play was wonderful and you all looked amazing. The depth of dark female power awakened a side of me I didn't know existed. Thank you so much for a brilliantly written and sensitively performed masterpiece. It was beautiful.

Shakin' 'Xischa
Praxischa

Thank you Katie for your very kind words.

Vikkie Mercury
Victoria Druggs

Yes, thanks so much Katie. We can send free tickets if you want to see it again.

Katie Shox
Guest

That would be amazing! Yes please!

Matthew Widehead
Cult Member

The Draculist was the most refreshing take on the vampire theme I've ever had the pleasure of witnessing. Well done to everyone. It was a triumph.

Vikkie Mercury
Victoria Druggs

Thanks Matthew. I suppose you want free tickets too?

Matthew Widehead
Cult Member

I wasn't fishing, but I definitely won't say no. Thanks!

Zero Trousers
Guest

What the hell's come over you dude?

Matthew Widehead
Cult Member

Just enjoyed the delightful nuances of the play that's all. Am I not allowed to enjoy a play or something?

Zero Trousers
Guest

It was insultingly bad.

Pathfinger
Cult Member

Did you see it all?

Zero Trousers
Guest

As I said, I walked out. If one end of the sausage tastes foul, one does not chew through to the other.

Rod Sandleman
Male Feminist

Well I thought it was spellbindingly well written and performed. Quite enchanting.

Zero Trousers
Guest

What the hell is the matter with you all???!!! If it will save some poor sap the embarrassment of grovelling for freebies on here, I will forward you my e-ticket with four nights validity left on it.

Ed Case
Cult Member

Jack, mate, I'll totally owe you one if you send it to me. Please mate.

michael9
Male Feminist

No Jack, I can do a deal with you. Message me and we'll talk mate.

Zero Trousers
Guest

I've just transferred it to Ed.

Seriously, what is wrong with everyone? It's a play in which a feminist Dracula impersonator, who looks like Freddie Mercury, sets out to torture the actual male Dracula, who is played by a woman, but looks like Shakin' Stevens - via a cake recipe. WHAT'S NOT TO PROJECTILE VOMIT OVER?

Superteeth
Cult Member

Best play EVER! And im not just saying that because of the orgasms.

Zero Trousers
Guest

Orgasms?

Pathfinger
Cult Member

The Draculist's cake is so unimaginably delicious that every woman who eats it has an instant orgasm. I think that's why the cake goes viral on Pinterest.

Zero Trousers
Guest

So who exactly eats the cake?

Ed Case
Cult Member

Tantra Knight, Sultra, Shandi, Astrid... Scene 4 is basically just wall to wall babes having orgasms.

Zero Trousers
Guest

Ed, I need to recall that e-ticket please mate. Just realised I need it for an expenses claim.

Zero Trousers
Guest

Ed?

Ed Case
Cult Member

Just tried to transfer it back mate but it won't send.

Zero Trousers
Guest

What d'you mean it won't send? How can it not send?

Ed Case
Cult Member

It just seems to be dragging its feet mate.

Zero Trousers
Guest

Look, give me back my e-ticket!

Zero Trousers
Guest

Ed?

Zero Trousers
Guest

Okay, so I'm trying to buy a new e-ticket on the main site but it won't let me. Can someone from NRGCult help?

Tantra Knight
Spellcraft Ambassador

Sold out now babe.