'The Virgin Wallis': St Patrick's Day Spells Extra

NRGCult | Monday, 18 March 2019 |

Calum Fossil
Freelance Writer



Wallis O'Laoghaire hosting our St Patrick's Day Spells Extra last night.

She's not officially on the presenting rota for another two weeks, and technically, she's still an apprentice. But everyone agreed that for one night at least, the rulebook should ritually burn, and that Wallis O'Laoghaire should host our St Patrick's Day Spells Extra. What a dynamite event it turned out to be.

The typical indigo lighting gave way to a highly appropriate green last night, and Wallis broke NRGCult's usual black, indigo or skyclad dress code to appear in a white, shamrock-decorated dress. For her demo presentations in late February she wore the Apprentice "L" uniform, but last night saw the arrival of a new Wallis, whose image was as dynamic as her spellcrafting. I thought the goth-punk hairstyle suited her perfectly. Her new image shifts her as far away as possible from the Apprentice identity, and I'm sure that was the whole idea.

Wallis has an offbeat style. Super-fast-paced, full of unusual turns of phrase, and often referring to herself in the third person. And her spells are very sensational. More like miracles in some cases. I absolutely loved her "Weather Spell", in which she turns a thermometer upside down and it starts raining. I know it's unsettled at the moment, but even so, what are the odds of that happening right on cue? This was only the tip of the iceberg too. The magick kept coming, with a warning: "DO NOT BLINK!"

The St Patrick's Day event expected a good attendance, but on the night it was packed solid. And as we filed out of NRG HQ at the end of the evening, the newcomer had already gained a colloquial nickname. She's now "The Virgin Wallis". Why? Come and see her next time, and I dare say you'll find out. But I rather suspect that tickets are not going to be cheap.



Chad Thicklock
Cult Member

Keep the green lighting. It looks better.

Beresford de Cullis
Cult Member

All you need now is a wizard called Gromit.

Rod Sandleman
Cult Member

I couldn't get in. The amount of hype was ridiculous. Everyone was like "Wallis O'Leary, Wallis O'Leary". And I was like "Who's the hell is Wallis O'Leary? And why can't I get in?"

Mr Collieman
Cult Member

That woman has got POWERS! That you FEEL! The memory spell was like - OMG is this actually happening?

Rod Sandleman
Cult Member

What's the memory spell?

Mr Collieman
Cult Member

Someone picks you a random date from any year of your life, and you do the spell, and you can remember every single thing you sat on that day. It's actually amazing how many different things we sit on. Your arse is actually one of the most useful parts of your body.

Sally Grimm
Cult Member

Was she joking when she said she's a virgin and she's pregnant?

Katie Shox
Cult Member

No, if you bought the spell guide it actually tells you how to do it. You literally just spread your legs in a church, say a verse, and you're up the stick.

Sally Grimm
Cult Member

So whose baby is it that you have?

Katie Shox
Cult Member

God's.

Sally Grimm
Cult Member

Can you PM me the verse?

Praxischa
Spellcraft Sister

Can people please use these spells RESPONSIBLY and consider all of the ramifications. Virgin conception is a life-changing decision, and anyone who's with a partner will need to explain to that partner how they got pregnant. Joseph might have been cool with it in the Bible, but for most partners in 2019, "immaculate conception" will not be an acceptable explanation. Kings will not bring you gifts, and your descendants are unlikely to perform any miracles until they're about thirty. Think about it carefully please.

Jack Smart
Ex-staff

I know I've agreed not to make "fanfares of criticism" about the Cult, but this shit has crossed a line. That's all I'm saying.

Richard Lingham
Head of Male Feminism

On the contrary. It is making women more independent from men, and all men who support women will loudly applaud it. I just wish there were a way we could get more involved and help more.

Jack Smart
Ex-staff

Don't worry dude. I'm sure she can come up with a spell that gets male feminists pregnant.

Pathfinger
Cult Member

I think he wants to help with the conception. Not the labour.

Jack Smart
Ex-staff

I know he does. I'm just reminding him how selective his "support" for women actually is.

Richard Lingham
Head of Male Feminism

No, actually, I would be happy to go through labour on behalf of women, and I think I speak for all of my Male Feminist group when I say that. Sadly, it can't happen, as men are not designed or equipped for pregnancy. Which is a shame.

Wallis O'Laoghaire
Spellcraft Apprentice

Richard, that's fantastic! It's wonderful to know there are men who are prepared to take on a humungo-drama like pregnancy and labour on behalf of women! Wallis is going to get her little clawsies into this tomorrow, and see if she can't conjure up a male pregnancy spell. It CAN happen Richard! Spells can achieve anything!

Simon Mittington
Male Feminist

For the record, Richard Lingham does not speak for me. I wish to formally opt out of becoming pregnant. I genuinely do want to help, but I'm a bit too busy at the moment.

Mr Nice Guy
Male Feminist

And Me.

Dane Hero
Male Feminist

And Me!!!

Simon Mittington
Male Feminist

Can the virgin Wallis please just assume that members of the male feminist group DO NOT want to get pregnant unless they specifically say they do!

Wallis O'Laoghaire
Spellcraft Apprentice

Relax you guys! Wallis is a very responsible witch. The only person who would be able to work the spell is you. If you didn't want to get pregsies, you just wouldn't do the spell.

Simon Mittington
Male Feminist

Cool. Thanks.

Richard Lingham
Head of Male Feminism

Yes, that sounds like an excellent way of doing it Wallis. And very eloquently put if I may say so. It is a superb plan of yours that those of us who do want to get pregnant can attempt it for ourselves. I say "attempt it" because I'm a bit rubbish at saying verses and things, so I'd probably get the spell wrong and it wouldn't work. But I'd certainly try with all my might.

Wallis O'Laoghaire
Spellcraft Apprentice

Aww don't worry Richard. Leave it to Wallis! That's what Wallis is here for. Wallis never makes mistakes. If you want to go through the physically and mentally exhausting ordeal of pregnancy on behalf of a woman, so you shall!

Ed Case
Cult Member

lol. The craic did not end last night.

Richard Lingham
Head of Male Feminism

Wallis, I really appreciate and value your intentions, but reading back through the thread I think I need to consider the matter more carefully as Praxischa advises. It's not that I don't want to help. I just don't think I'll be fully ready, mentally, to have a woman's baby for another twenty years or so. When the right time comes I will definitely step up, but please don't get me pregnant until at least the year 2040, and even then, please don't do it without getting me to re-evaluate this request.

Richard Lingham
Head of Male Feminism

Wallis?

Richard Lingham
Head of Male Feminism

Can you confirm that you're NOT going to get me pregnant tomorrow please Wallis?

Richard Lingham
Head of Male Feminism

Wallis, my belly already looks bigger.

Superteeth
Cult Member

looooooooooool

Richard Lingham
Head of Male Feminism

Wallis????

Jack Smart
Ex-staff

Male feminism, ladies and gentlemen. Male feminism.